I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
