I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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