I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
