my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
