I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
A bitchslap is in order.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
