your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
