his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
