I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
