note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
