I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
