I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
my shit smells like andre
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
