Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
