Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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