I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
