found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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