i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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