He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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