I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
