were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This is my gift to your gina
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
