Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
