Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
