Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
my being single is dangerous.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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