i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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