Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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