Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
