Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
