A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
