I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
