hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
