We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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