After last night, I could never be a politician.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
As shirtless as possible
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
