My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
