you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
