I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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