I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
one two three fourrrrnication!
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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