Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So much Jack, so little girl.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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