she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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