WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
