it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
