I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
