I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
