cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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