Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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