dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
