im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
