Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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