On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
