your thong is hanging out like whoa
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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