He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
