FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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