Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
